wrestling with God

I spent the greater part of my day trying to wrestle with God. Not in the Jacob wrestling with God sense, but in the Jesse wrestling with his concept of God sense. Rabbi Elyse Goldstein is the scholar-in-residence at Shul this weekend, and she lead a really interesting lunch session on God concepts. Thinking about God is like thinking about infiniti, you can do it, but it really hurts sometimes. I find that the more I think about God, the more I realize I don't even know where to begin. But Rabbi Elyse said something this morning that really jumped out at me.

She said something along the lines of.... "It's very hard for me to think of God and how God exists in this world, but it's even harder for me to think of a world where God doesn't exist."

I think that I've always believed in God. I don't really remember a time where I didn't. But at that point this morning, I had this connection with my understanding of God that I've never really had before. I realized how scary it is for me to imagine a world where God doesn't exist and where God doesn't play an integral role in existence. I just can't wrap my mind around it. As difficult as it is for me to wrap my mind around the very idea of God, it's terrifying for me to even try to wrap my mind around the notion of a Godless world.

Of course I respect all people's approaches to God... everybody needs to come to the point where they meet what works for them. But in all honesty, I just don't understand atheists. I don't know how you can't look around this world and see God in everything. I don't know how you could imagine that everything that is came to be by accident. Please, somebody explain to me how that could be possible.

So that's been following me around all day. It's a part of my greater transformation and growth Jewishly as of late. I find myself wanting to know more/do more/learn more/experience more, but not necessarily knowing exactly how I want to go about doing these things. What I am certain of is that I'm frustrated and disenchanted with a lot of Reform Judaism. At the same time, I find it hard to imagine being anything other than a Reform Jew. I've had this talk with plenty of people, and I know that I'm not the only one thirsty for more.

What disturbs me is that it's come to the point where I feel more spiritual, more Jewish, and like I can be a better Jew when I'm with a group of people from Kesher (like last weekend in Miami), or with a group of Conservative/Orthodox Jews, than when I'm at my own shul (where I've been a member for almost 14 years). It shouldn't be this way.

Is this just displaced teenage angst surfacing five years later in Jewish form?
Do I dare ask the cliche existential question: Am I the only one? Cause I know that I'm not.

I know that I will change, and that I will find what works for me, and that I will grow as a result of all this. I just wish I didn't have to be angry at what's been an integral part of me for 13 years.

That being said, I did have a lovely and restful Shabbat. To top it off, I'm going to bed!